The Lord of the Rings The Truth Revealed
by BlackSongBird
Summary: This is just meant to make you laugh, please review if it does! The truth behind the Lord of the Rings


Disclaimer: Sadly, we do not own any of the characters, places, or pretty much anything belonging to LOTR, although I want Legolas and ShadowAngel26 wants Arwen…anyone know where we can buy them?

HEYALL! This, as you may know, is Blacksongbird, and the wonderful person I am writing this story with is ShadowAngel26, a fellow writer on here. This is a parody of LOTR based on the movies, revealing the character's inner self, or throwing them WAAY out of character, your choice. WARNING! This thing is VERY wrong at times, it is rated M for a REASON! Please do NOT read if you are faint of heart, have problems with some yaoi or sex comments(no lemons in here, sorry!) or if you are just going to complain in your review. So sit back, and enjoy!

And please do NOT read if you are an English teacher!

Prologue

(Galadriel)

YO! Mah hommies! Waz up in the 'hood? How are y'all feeling today? I'm feeling a story comin' on, and man, is it long! I hope y'all was blessed with the gift of patience, cuz if ya ain't, I gots me a 24 calliber shotgun that might make ya shut up for a while!

Okay! Anyways, it all started way back when. I'm talkin' before yo momma's, momma's, momma's, momma's, momma's, momma, who, by the way, was sooo fat, when she backed up, she went "Beep! Beep! Beep!" Anywho, there was this guy named Isilldur, who decided that he would lead an army of men and elves to kick this other evil guy's, Sauron, ass. Now, Sauron was one crazy S.O.B bent on takin' over the world. In fact, he was even accessorizing for the occasion with this "Ring of Power." It's a pretty ugly ring if ya ask me…

Anyways, so there's this big battle, and when Isilldur's daddy went to the big grease bucket in the sky, Issi-boy chops off Sauron's hand. Sauron dies in grief and Isilldur takes his ugly ring (which he was supposed to destroy, but didn't…dumbass men…)

Isilldur then flamboyantly wears the ring 'round his neck like a little priss (why someone doesn't shoot him first thing, I don't know).

As he is riding home, the pansy's ambushed and killed (I swear I didn't have anything to do with it).

Anywho, after a while, nobody thought that the evil ring existed, although it did make some nice coffee talk! But then, a schizophrenic skinny-guy named Smeagol, later known as Gollum, picked up the ring and took it deep into the Misty Mountains. Why he chose the mountains, I have no friggin'clue. Maybe they have good 'shrooms?

Then, years later, a midget named Bilbo Baggins found the ring and took it to his heezie in the Shire. There is lurks, waiting to return to its master…

…God, that sounds so kinky! Sauron must be one horny ape!

Chapter One

(Frodo)

Leaning back against a tree, I opened my latest copy of _Playhobbit_. This month's issue was the swimsuit edition, and there is _always_ a sexy centerfold in the swimsuit edition. My body awakened as I flipped through the pages of my best friend, and I began to notice that the pictures seemed vaguely familiar. Then it hit me…

"HEY! This is LAST MONTH'S ISSUE!" Anger rushed through me, replacing the erotic world I had found. I wanted to kill something, then go have a nice smoke and kill off the few brain cells I didn't need.

"Yo! Yo,Yo,Yo!" a voice broke through the air, chasing away the silence. I recognize the voice at once; it was the voice of the one person standing between me and next month's issue of my pleasurable porno.

Gandalf looked as grey as he always had, and his favorite song(now in rap version), rang clearly through the air.

"Yo! The road goes eva on n' on! Yo-Yo! Um…Yo!" Gandalf's bushy eyebrows jumped up and down with each "Yo!"

That's another thing: Gandalf's had rather LARGE…no…HUGE eyebrows. Not only were they bushy, oh no my friends, they were grown long and wide, extending way past his ears, and growing out past his equally sized nose.

When the moment was right, I leapt into his horse-drawn carriage; those ginormous eyebrows were the only things keeping me from ripping his bloody head off.

"I need _Playhobbit_! NOW!" I screamed.

"Oh right!" Gandalf said reaching below. "Next month's issue…lets see…Oooh! That's not it…! Um, let's see here…_How to become a Pretty Pointy-eared Elvish Princeling_, that must be for Legolas," Gandalf checked to see who the addressee was. "Gimili!--! Oh…oh no…! Oh-p…oh no! Oh no…no…oh…oh…no!"

Finally after what seemed like hours of searching, Gandalf finally handed me my new best friend, which I proceeded to read through.

"How's your uncle?" Gandalf asked after a few minutes.

"Oh, you know Bilbo," I said, still flipping through the pages of my magazine. "He's got the whole place in an uproar about his birthday. Half the Shire's been invited! And the rest are showing up anyway…"

Gandalf and I shared in a good laugh at the thought, although I'm not exactly sure why…

"To tell you the truth, though," I said, suddenly remembering the events of the past few days, "Bilbo's been acting a bit odd lately. He spends hours whacking off in his study…" Gandalf only looked away. "Fine," I said, "Keep your damn secrets, but I know you have something to do with it."

"Good gracious no!" Gandalf protested quickly. I only _explained_ to him what masturbation was, I didn't show him how to do it…"

"Well, before you and yer eyebrows came along, we Baggins' were very well thought of."

"Indeed…" Gandalf nodded, his eyebrows twitching.

"We never went off to any orgies, or fucked anyone unexpectedly." I said, alluding to a certain event.

"If you're referring to the incident with the dragon, I was barely involved!" Gandalf flailed his arms about. "All I did was…give your uncle a little nudge into the door!"

"Well, whatever you did, you've been officially labeled as a disturber of the peace." Gandalf's eyebrows made another large upward movement as we passed an old man who glared at us.

"Top of the morning to you, Ma'am!" Gandalf politely tipped his hat.

"Um…yeah…" I began, "that's a man…"

"Are you sure?"

"He was wearing pants!" I stated.

"Looked like a dress to me…"

"Definitely pants." I confirmed.

Children had now come running from inside their houses to come out and see Gandalf.

"Fireworks, Gandalf! Fireworks!" they begged. I saw Gandalf's face soften as the children's pleas reached his ears.

BANG! A huge firework shot out of the carriage, hitting the old man who had been mistaken for a woman by Gandalf. Then, there was a colorful and somewhat bloody explosion.

"Yaaaaaay!" The children cheered.

"Gandalf, I'm glad you're back." I said, standing up; Gandalf gave me a swift pat on my butt.

"So am I, dear boy" he replied, smiling. "So am I…"

I was jumping off Gandalf's carriage when I realized that I was jumping right for a tree. Long story short, I hit the tree head on and would most likely forget about it after a good smoke.

(Gandalf)

As I came upon Bilbo's house, I noticed the sign: _No visitors except on party business! Also…dragon's welcomed!_

I knocked on the door.

"No more visitors, family or distant relations!" Bilbo's angry voice rang from within.

"And what about very old friends?"

The door opened, revealing Bilbo's tiny, hobbit-sized body.

"Gandalf?"

"Bilbo Baggins! Good to see you!" I embraced my old friend. "My goodness, one hundred and eleven years old…you haven't aged a day!"

"Plastic surgery, Botox and liposuction work wonders!" Bilbo explained.

As he led me into his tiny home, Bilbo went off to get some tea. "Would you like some wine? Cheese? Eggs? The eggs here are good!"

"Just tea, thank you." I said as I followed him into the kitchen. "So you intend to go through with your plans, then?"

"Huh? Oh, yes. All the plans have been made. I intend to leave everything to Frodo." Bilbo said through a mouth full of cheese.

"You will tell him, won't you? He's very fond of you…" My eyebrows cocked up and down as if they had a mind of their own (and I did wonder this sometimes), and they ended up knocking over a vase that shattered on the floor. "Oh no! Oh-p! Oh…oh no…my horoscope said this would happen today…! Oh no…!"

I bent over to examine my mess, and there was a sharp knock at the door, causing Bilbo to choke on his cheese.

"I'm not at home!" Bilbo whispered hoarsely, looking out the window. "These confounded relatives! Ya give 'em a blowjob, and they never give you a moment's peace!"

I sat up straight and raised my eyebrows, saying "They're very fond of you…" before bending down again. I loved to look at the floor!

"How am I supposed to enjoy my birthday when people keep coming up to me with new annoyances!"

"I know exactly what you need!" I stated, popping up.

"Ah…methamphetamine crystals – I – uh… I mean…Old Toby! Finest weed in the South Farthing!" Bilbo said, smoking deeply from his pipe and blowing a large ring into the air. I knew that I had to counter that with something impressive…a ship would work nicely. Although I had never been one hundred percent successful at making one out of smoke. I gave it my best try…

…it looked like a giant penis…

"Is that a ship?" Bilbo inquired.

"Yeah!" I smiled. "Sure! It's a great, big, long, hard ship!"

Bilbo laughed. "Gandalf my friend, this will be a night to remember…"

Well? Whatcha think? I swear, I had about 200 spelling errors while typing this up. The prologue and first chapter were writted by ShadowAngel26, check out his account! Please, R&R, not a lot of critizism…please only 2 complaints per review, per chapter. Anymore can be sent to Seyall next chapter!


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